You cheated: Should you confess?

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Looking back, Dan admits that he made a big mistake.

He had considered himself "committed" to Patsy for more than a year. So when an attractive sales representative from one of his company's clients came on to him at a trade convention, he shrugged it off as "innocent fun."

Wrong guess.

After spending the night with the sales representative, Dan realised the flirtation was a hell of a lot more than just fun. It was also over, however. The sales representative was engaged to be married and was moving up to Newcastle. It was highly unlikely that their paths would ever cross again, either professionally, passionately or platonically.

Dan's only concern was if he should tell Patsy about his dalliance.

He sought the advice of his friend, Jeff, a therapist. "Jeff's answer was 'simple'," Dan recalls. "He asked if after doing what I did, and realising the seriousness of it, would I do it again? Of course, I said 'no.'"

Dan also felt that what Patsy didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but "On the other hand, if I was honest and told her about the cheating, she would almost certainly dump me," he says. "I realised then how much I didn't want to lose her."

Dan went as far as to rationalise the cheating as a "cement" in their relationship. "Prior to the affair, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her forever," he says. "Now I am."

In this day and age of "totally open and honest relationships", Dan came to believe that full disclosure isn't always necessarily a "good thing," especially when it comes to infidelity.

"It seems now that once people enter a relationship, everything about them is exposed and aired out," says Dan's friend, John, a financial analyst. "There are no secrets and no ability to hold on to something that's 'just you.'"

Some experts are agreeing. There are a number of relationship counsellors who now believe that keeping an affair a secret may not be a bad thing.

"Not that there are any legitimate counsellors out there who would say that it's good to cheat — but there are a number of therapists who believe it's better to contain a secret such as an affair," Jeff says.

He was quick to add the type of cheating also weighs heavily in telling the truth or not. For example, burying a one-night stand with a stranger may be passable. But concealing a months-long entanglement with a neighbour or colleague has the potential to destroy a relationship.

John disagrees. He believes there isn't anything that gives someone the permission to cheat. "Cheating is cheating," he says. "If you get caught up in the heat of the moment, you should bite the bullet and confess."

For Dan, however, one night of heat wasn't worth extinguishing what could be a lifelong relationship with Patsy. "She doesn't know that I've hurt her," he says. "But I do. And that's something that I have to live with every day. That's my punishment."